My heart was broken.
Two months ago a devastating problem was revealed in my marriage. It broke me into pieces knowing that the person whom I entrusted my heart and the rest of my earthly life had broken my trust.
Like noisy thunders and raindrops, the echoes of negative thoughts overwhelmed me. I had no desire to eat, to sleep, and sometimes, even thoughts of not desiring to live anymore came to my heart and mind.
These burdensome noises kept ringing in my ears and sometimes, honestly, I just wanted to listen to these hurtful accusations: You’re a failure. You’re not beautiful. You’re not a good wife. Something is lacking in you. You don’t deserve to be happy.
I had no desire to let more people know about it, because it’s not something worth spreading abroad. Yet, in those distressed and lonely moments, I longed for comfort, I longed for peace, for something positive, something good to hear from somebody…anybody.
My children were there. My family and close friends offered words of encouragement and prayers. Yet my heart longed for Someone.
I cried, I questioned, I planned for revenge, I planned of quitting, I cried even more.
The question that I kept asking God was, “Is this the life that you want me to live? Are you happy to see me cry? Are you satisfied that I’m hurt beyond words can explain?”
Who can understand the beatings of my shattered heart?
These murmurs devastated me. I was in the deepest valley and I did not know if I could still make the climb back to reality – alone, with a broken heart, and a bottle full of tears.
After the almost non-stop cries, my heart stopped pumping toxic thoughts. What happened?
I received a breath of fresh air supplying the life-giving oxygen from God’s Word.
How can I be so naive? Why did I forget these basic truths in life? The noise of hurtful accusations and my loud sobs overpowered the still small voice that I should have tuned my heart to listen.
When my heart started beating silently, these truths, like soothing music, floated within:
- I am not alone.
I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee. Hebrews 13:5b
- God knows my sorrows.
And the Lord said, I have surely seen the affliction of my people which are in Egypt, and have heard their cry by reason of their taskmasters; for I know their sorrows. Exodus 3:7
What was the best advice I recalled about how to mend my broken heart?
“Give all the pieces to Someone Whose heart was also once broken. He will not fix it. He will create a new one.”
Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me. Psalm 51:10
The tears stopped falling and the brokenness ceased. As my heart heals, the scars appear – reminders of God’s mercies and grace. And the person who breaks it, I had forgiven and received back, given another chance to hope again, to dream again – together.
The heart broken by tears was a blessing, because I now enjoyed a new one.